I was not looking forward to the holidays. I was dreading it since the day I lost my little boy. And after the unexpected death of my dad, I really didn't want to celebrate anything at all. I was thinking all the stress and hype leading up to the days and events would be the worst of it. Having to encounter all the Christmas cheer, the holly jolly songs, the decorations and light displays. Last year I was so excited to start traditions with my boys. They loved Christmas. And I enjoyed watching them open gifts, decorating the tree, and watching the magic they brought to the season.
We had four different family celebrations to attend this year. I thought maybe since we would be doing so much traveling I would be too busy to get upset. I was trying to keep myself occupied by crafting the perfect gifts, making food, wrapping presents, and well just trying to remember my sanity. I was determined to make this holiday the best it could be for Easton. Because after all that is why we still went to go pick out a tree, made lots of delicious cookies, and visited Santa. To make this time magical for him. And I think it is safe to say that he was filled with joy this holiday season.
But as Christmas was wrapping up and the holiday was coming to an end. The grief and pain wrapped around me and put me in a choke hold. And I was done. My grief comes in waves. And often times, something so little can trigger feelings so ginormous. And all of a sudden I felt empty, and so alone. As I watched family get gifts they loved and enjoyed, I was reminded that the one thing I wanted most was the one thing I cant have. And that was my sweet baby boy.
Christmas will never be the same. And not a moment will go by where I wont think about my baby boy and how he should be here with me. How he could ever so simply fill my arms and bring back that missing joy. I am sure that over time, the holidays will get easier. But the hole in my heart will always be there, and so will that stocking for Brecken by the fireplace.
This year I just didn't feel the joy. And well, that's OK with me.
Photography Credit : Casie Carow Photography