Thursday, July 18, 2019

One Year Baby Boy

Today officially marks one year, The one year angel anniversary. I may still be in a bit of a fog to think that I could blink and maybe, just maybe, I can still wake up. Wake up to that smiling happy little two year old that should be toddling around my world.

But one year ago I had to painfully say goodbye. I had to accept the fact that my sweet little boy was going to gain his wings to heaven and fly. Fly away from his mommy. One year ago today I rocked my baby in my arms for the last time. One year ago I held his little hand and told him that everything was going to be OK even though I knew it really wasn't. One year ago I sang him you are my sunshine for the last time. One year ago I found this unimaginable strength to carefully hand my little boy to his daddy as we watched him take his last breath. One year ago today I started living with that huge hole in my heart and started on this indescribable journey of grief and survival.

It has been a year but I miss like him like he left yesterday. I miss everything about that strong boy. I miss kissing him, hugging him, talking to him, and holding him. I miss his deep little belly laugh when daddy did jumping jacks. I miss the way he played his toy piano with his toes. I miss the sweet moments he shared with his big brother. I miss the park and zoo adventures we never got to go on. I miss all the milestones and firsts I never got to see and never will be a part of. I miss it all.

And I miss being his mommy.

Today marks the end of the many firsts. The first birthday without him. The first holidays without him. The first family vacations and trips without him. July 18 will never be the same. It will not just be a date on the calendar but a painful and hard reminder of what I lost that day.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about Brecken. I planted some beautiful flowers on his "special spot" that my dad had picked out for him. I visit his spot almost every day. I talk about him to Easton as to never forget that for 16 months he WAS here with us.

And today I find a little bit of joy. Joy that I got to have him in my life for those 16 months. Joy that the world got to know Brecken and that Brecken changed the world. Joy in knowing how giraffes are that happy reminder of him, and how others think the same. I find peace that he is free. Free from the Alpers Syndrome that took him away from us. I am comforted in knowing he is no longer attached to numerous tubes and medications. No more appointments and hospital stays. But most of all, he is safely wrapped in the loving arms of my dad.

This year was hard, it was challenging, it had its ups and downs and curves and waves. And now we move forward to the next year. And to always remembering Brecken.

Forever and always baby boy. Mommy loves you.