Monday, March 22, 2021

A Golden Birthday In Heaven


Happy 4th Birthday Baby boy. 

Today is your birthday. You are FOUR years old! It is seriously hard to believe! It is your golden birthday! I went to Dunkin Donuts (my favorite place ever) with your big brother Easton and he picked out an ice cream cake with all kinds of fun colors on it! I bought you a giant number 4 balloon. I also got this pretty cool sparkler candle and we sang happy birthday to you. 

And as we were singing and I looked around, I didn't see you. I didn't see that four year old little boy who should be grinning ear to ear as we sang. I didn't get to see you blow out your candles or eat a big piece of cake. I didn't get to see you open your presents. It was hard to imagine what you would of looked like or what you would be interested in. 

And my heart shattered all over again. 

Brecken, I promise you, I will never forget your birthday. I will always have a cake and candle for you. I will always sing your happy birthday. I will never forget. Ever.

Happy Birthday in heaven little buddy. I bet Papa has some fun things planned for you. 

Love you to infinity and bebob. 


**(This was posted late- Breckens Birthday is March 4, 2017). 

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

My Little Technology Addicted Child


So the other day I thought it would be really FUN for Easton (my five year old) and myself to have a little contest to see if we could go the day without technology until Daddy got home. Since COVID, doing kindergarten virtually, and a new baby at home it has been a struggle to keep him (and myself) off the screen. I wanted to not only do it for Easton, I wanted to do it for myself. 

We came up with a fun list of things to do and started the morning by making some lemonade. According to E, the lemonade was great! Then we moved to the living room, and as Brynlie happily played on the floor, we decided to start a 500 piece Donut puzzle. Puzzles were something we have been working on since the corona lockdown, and its been fun watching him go from 10 piece puzzles to 1000 piece puzzles. We talked about how we both loved Dunkin Donuts and that we both really liked going there together. Things were going swell. 

Then about after 5 minutes of puzzle making, my little technology addicted child decided he was done with puzzle time and he wanted my phone to play on. That is when it all went down hill. The whining started, the frustration started, the anger started, and my hopes for a fun technology free day went right down the drain. 

I very soon got sick of the whining so I told him we were going to bundle up and go outside to shovel some of the snow and slush off the driveway. Distraction, right? Well after about a 15 minute struggle we were outside. The fresh air, beautiful falling snow, and a little bit of exercise felt good for the soul. A cranky, whiny 5 year old who wanted to go inside and play video games, was not. 

I was so defeated. I will be the first to admit that my child gets way too much screen time, and that it is mostly my fault. But lately its been easier to just give in and let him play. I know, big mistake. 

Now five year olds do not really have filters, but what couldn't hurt worse is hearing your five year old call you fat and then tell you that he loves video games more than you. Ouch. After trying my best to be the fun mom. The no screen time lets do a lot of fun stuff mom. The mom who just wants what is best for my kids mom.... I turned into the mom who wanted to just lay in bed and hide under the covers. 

Parenting in a pandemic is hard. Teaching a kindergarten virtually is hard. Being a maid, a waitress, a cook, a bartender with 24/7 milk on tap is hard. This week was hard. 

Momming isnt always sunshine and sparkles. But tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start. 


Monday, January 11, 2021

Oh 2020!


Well Hello 2021. I. AM. BACK. And it feels so good!!

I haven't written for quite some time because well ... you know.... it was 2020. 

Looking back on the last year, its safe to say it was a rollercoaster! Between the election, riots, and the pandemic there were highs and lows of all sizes. Despite the uncertainty, the frustration, the seclusion, the anxiety, and all the feels of being trapped in your home for so long, 2020 brought me one of the most important and much needed joys I have felt in a looooong time!

In August we welcomed our little rainbow baby GIRL into this world. Miss Brynlie Jean joined our family after a much awaited and lengthy IVF journey. She brought us hope amidst the fear. She brought us a gazillion smiles despite the sadness. And she brought us the most love and joy in a year full of doubt and unsettle. 

To say this past year was easy and free from anxiety would be lying. But nothing will surpass the horridly painful and brutal year 2018 gave me. 

I think I can speak for everyone that we all may be looking forward to 2021 and what this year might bring. I am looking forward to many more laughs and baby giggles. Many more firsts. Many more hugs and smiles. And a lot more blogging! 

I have missed you all! Now bring on 2021. 

Sunday, May 10, 2020

Happy MommingStrong Day!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!!

To all YOU mommas, to those with littles running around, to the new moms, to the old moms, to the moms with infants, toddlers, middle schoolers, to the moms with kids college bound, to those moms who have become grandmas, and great grandmas, and great great grandmas, to the mothers in heaven, and the moms who have a little bit of heaven in their heart, to the moms who have children in their arms, and the moms who have children only in their hearts, to the adopted moms, to the step moms, to the moms who have littles growing inside, to the first time moms, and the twelve time moms, to the struggling moms, and the pinterest moms, to the stay at home moms, and the working hard moms, to the moms we know and love, and to all those mom we see walking around us.

You are special.
You are loved.
You are so very important.

Today is that special day we get a little extra credit. But we all know that every day is Mothers Day. Every day, 24 hours a day, we do our best to be a Mom. We love every single bit of being a mom, yet we struggle and have hard days as well. But we are all just doing our bestest. And thats ok. We are all amazing!

This Mothers Day has been kind of filled with a variety of emotions. I get to snuggle and kiss the 5 year old boy that I have here beside me. My heart yearns for that sweet little boy flying above me. And I feel the overwhelming excitement and joy of feeling the wiggles and moves of the little one growing inside of me.

These three littles are my world. They are the ones who have made me the Mom and woman I am today and I am so very grateful for that.

So today is for all you Moms. Have a good one, no matter what kind of mom you are.
Much love from MommingStrong.

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

Pregnancy Through A Pandemic

Like I said before, pregnancy after loss is hard. Through the joy, happiness, and hope comes the fears, the isolation, and the high anxiety.

But then to add to it all, the coronavirus. That scary, silent disease overtaking this world. Through this entire pregnancy I have been so diligent about keeping my baby safe. Don't eat this, don't lift heavy objects, exercise, drink lots of water, etc. And now Stay At Home!

Today I am 20 weeks! HALF WAY there!! An exciting time to go in for a check up, and the best part, the ultrasound. Although this time I had to go alone. I felt terrible when they told me my husband wasn't allowed to come with me for this much anticipated appointment. He wasn't able to be there to watch our little peanut wriggle and move around. Thank goodness for technology, he was able to use face-time for a short time to see a little bit, but definitely was not the same.

I was also scared of walking into a clinic/urgent care facility that might be filled with germs. Luckily a wonderful friend gave me a mask to wear so I felt a little safer. The clinic did a great job of escorting me to a safe space right away and it went smooth and I felt safe the entire time.

But the most difficult part of this pandemic is staying at home.... It has been SO hard! Since about the middle of March I have been good about not going anywhere. I haven't gone to Target or any store in weeks. It has been (thankfully) convenient to order groceries online and have them dropped off at my door. But then, as we call it, go through the decontamination process of cleaning it all. Using hand sanitizer, washing hands, and lysol wipes a plenty.  But I will do my best to keep myself, my baby, and my family safe.

These times are weird. Its difficult and its different. Its scary and its crazy. I hope every day that this will be going downhill by the time August comes around and I can happily and safely welcome this little one into the world. I hope in the years to come I have a good story to tell them about getting through this pandemic.

So my note to all of you, to my village. STAY HOME. Follow the guidelines. Keep those loved ones around you safe and healthy. Thank you all to those health care workers and all my fellow favorite Nurses for all you do! I am glad I am able to stay at home and not work at this time. Thank you to the delivery workers and grocery shoppers also. Thank you.

No matter what, we are in this together.

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

One Running Beside Me, One Flying Above Me, and One Growing Inside

I am sure you have noticed I have been a little bit quiet on here for the last few months. And that's because pregnancy after loss is scary and incredibly isolating.  It is full of an extreme amount of emotions, stress, yet with of course all the happiness and joy.

Ever since I was little I dreamed of having a large family. I "said" I wanted 6 kids!! But the moment they handed me my sweet boy after a month of being intubated and told us that he had Alpers was the moment our lives changed. Our world not only crashed, but my life as a mommy changed too.

It took us quite awhile to think about and talk about growing our family after the loss of Brecken. It was scary and daunting and I just wasn't sure just what our future would hold. After weighing out our options, it was decided that we were most comfortable doing IVF (in vitro fertalization) with PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis).

Although our most expensive option, we knew with this decision it would give us the peace of mind that our future children would be tested and free from the Alpers that took Brecken away.

Science is incredible. I mean really. Amazing. Baby K3 (what we have named him/her for now) might have started out in a science lab but is now growing incredibly inside of me. And that in itself has no explanation.

I couldn't be more excited to feel baby's kicks and moves soon. I love hearing baby's heartbeat. This baby is so extremely loved already and means so much to our family. I hope in the days and months ahead I can give you a little part of my story. My story of truly MommingStrong.