Monday, March 4, 2019

To My Sweet Brecken Boy

We are all here to search for our purpose in life. That one thing that feels right. That makes you happy. That moment for me was the day I saw two lines on a pregnancy test. I believe moms have this astounding ability to love a little human the second she knows that baby is growing inside her. Its a unique and bonding love. I had no idea what exactly these little humans looked like growing inside of me, but I knew at that very moment I was going to do everything in my power to protect them. I had officially received my superhero mom cape. And we were ready to face the world.

I have been extremely lucky to have felt this moment two times with two amazing and wonderful little boys: Easton and Brecken. My two little boys have wholeheartedly stolen every piece of my heart. And I am so incredibly lucky to be their mom. They are my world and they are the reason I am the person I am today. I thank these little boys everyday for giving me my purpose and for giving me what I refer to as my superhero mom cape.

But with Brecken, I felt this love, purpose, and then some. Its not like he was my favorite child. Or that I loved him more. Or that I even treated him differently. It was this unexplained form of love. Was he here to challenge me or teach me something? From the day he came into my life, I had wrapped him extra snug in my mama cape and held him close. I snuggled with him, spoiled him, and overprotected him a little more. I think I knew from the start he was here to change my life. That this boy was going to show me things that I never knew existed. And my sweet little giraffe baby did just that, and then some.

Brecken was always very attached to his mama. Which I secretly loved. Every single bit of it.  Easton was always a little independent child, a trait he masters to this day. I never spent a night apart from Brecken up until his seizures started, and then I never left his side. I looked forward to watching the bond that him and his brother would have one day, being so close in age. Brecken had a smile that would light up the room, he was a charmer and was more than willing to show you his cheesy grin. He brought this happiness and sunshine to our family like no other. And I couldn't get enough of those cheeks and toes.

When Brecken started having seizures at 9 months old, that love was exemplified, but it changed. I knew I had to stay strong for him. But the day he was diagnosed with Alpers Syndrome, a disease that had no cure and an unimaginable outcome, I felt my mom cape get ripped off my back. This little boy, who's so called superhero mom, would not be able to save the day. I was not only scared and lost, but what could I do to put that superhero cape back on and get through this.

It is indescribable the way your heart, mind, and "mom love" changes when you know the gates of heaven are opening up for your child. I believe that love for Brecken was special all along, from the moment the two lines showed up, and the 16 months and 14 days he was here in our arms. And even though I wasn't able to save the day. I WAS his superhero all along. I fought for him, cried for him, advocated for him, smiled with him, learned new things for him, and most importantly, was as strong as I could be for him. (#mommingstrong)

Brecken, what I wouldn't do to have one more snuggle, to give one more kiss on those sweet cheeks, one more time hearing you say MaMa, one more time hearing you cry when I left the room, one more time to tell you I love you.  And one or 50 more birthdays to celebrate with you. Brecken you changed my life. And you changed the world. Thank you for leaving that superhero strength with me. I wear my superhero cape proudly. And thank you for giving me the chance to be your Mommy. Miss you more that words can say.

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Boy. Smash some cake up there. Love you to infinity and bebob.

**Brecken Duane Kariniemi was born March 4, 2017, 9 lb and 8 oz of pure love. **
*Photography by Casie Carow Photography