Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Living On Empty

Grief is hard to explain. It's hard to talk about. And we'll it's hard to do. It shows up at any second of any day and reminds you of that gigantic hole in your heart. The feeling of your empty arms and overwhelming pain. Grief is a journey. Mine started seven months ago. When Brecken started twitching as I was nursing him to sleep. Its been through his hospitalizations, diagnosis, illness, saying goodbye, and the days after he has gained his angel wings in heaven.

They say time will heal. I don't think my broken heart, my missing piece will ever heal. Over time it might get a bit easier to live with. But it's never going away. Nor do I want it to. I will never forget the 16 months I had with my sweet little Brecken. That hole is there to remind me of that. Some days are easier than others, some moments are unbearable, as if I might not know how to move on, and through this all, sometimes I find my joy and comfort.

I am not really sure if I even could come up with the right words to describe the grief you have after losing your baby. It really is indescribable. My grief is sadness and tears, joy and smiles, anger and doubt, worry and hope. My grief is the feeling of an apple corer to my chest. Grief is the confusion I feel going to the store to see the world seemingly just going on with life. Grief is visiting my baby's resting place and finding myself yearning for a shovel. Grief is the sadness of doing laundry to notice there are no little clothes to fold and put away. My grief through the conversations and phone calls and letting go of medical equipment. Grief is the nauseating lightheaded feeling I get as I watch the giraffes at the zoo. Grief is the hustle and bustle of packing everything we can into a day to keep ourselves busy. And some of the hardest grief is through the conversations and questions of an inquisitive three year old who wants to know where we can find the stairs to heaven.

I would have to say that this post was hard. That's why it might of taken so long. What I would give right now for one more snuggle, one more kiss, one more smile. Anything. Some days are better than others, but I miss Brecken so incredibly bad. Every second, every minute, every hour, of every day. I am grateful to have my spunky three year old to keep me going. To keep me smiling. He definitely knows how to keep my lap warm, my arms full, and my days busy.

The days are getting longer and quiet. The dread of the long cold winter season and the holidays is beginning to knock softly on the door. This journey of grief is just beginning. I am still learning as I meander my way through life and this path I found myself on. It might be a hard one. But I know my Sweet Brecken Angel is with me every step of the way. 

But they say GRIEF is LOVE. And well I have A LOT of love.💛💛💛💛